I remember being 15 years old and thinking, “I don’t really want to be here anymore”, wishing I could instantly snap my fingers and disappear from my life. Luckily, I was too afraid to play the “magician” and attempt a permanent disappearing act. But one night when I laid down to sleep I dreamt that I had died. I experienced the sensation of leaving my body and traveling through a tunnel of penetrating white light. This porous light infused every part of my being and emanating from this light was a love so intense and satisfying that I could’ve spent an eternity in that dream. But it seemed that as soon as I got comfortable in this experience, a force pushed me back through the tunnel and I woke up. It was about 2am and I quickly pinched myself to make sure that I was still alive – I started to cry, as I knew that I could never consider suicide again.
I have yet to see Tyler Perry’s movie, “For Colored Girls” based on Ntozake Shange’s Book, so I have neither a positive or negative critique of the movie. I’m sure that in the coming days there will be a multitude of opinions offered by countless critics about the content, relevancy, and implications of this movie. That is not the intention of this blog entry. I am writing this piece as evidence that, YES, many ”colored” girls have really considered suicide as a viable option to life.
Like so many other “colored” girls, I’ve never made any attempts at taking my life but growing up, the thought had crossed my mind one too many times. As a child, I felt suffocated and captive to the secrets of the childhood sexual abuse I kept hidden. I had determined as early as 5 years old, that my silence would protect me from being labeled “bad “and from the humiliation and condemnation that would surely follow, if I ever spoke of it to anyone.
Sometimes, when I walk down the street, I will see a 5-year old girl, with multi-colored barrettes in her hair clutching her mother’s hand and I’ll wonder, “Has she already “learned the art” of keeping secrets to “protect” the adults around her”? Or has she already been taught that keeping silent about an unwelcome touch is equal to being a “good little girl”?
As black women we are taught to expect that we must accept “martyrdom” as a way of life. In an attempt to protect those closest to us, we practice this form of socially sanctioned, self-mutilation, without ever having to point a razor blade to our wrist. Too often survival trumps cultivating the love within.
I believe that the dream that I had at 15 was so powerful for me because the LOVE I felt was not separate from me – I experienced the LOVE as me. I was clear that the Creator’s LOVE had woken me up in every sense of the word. In order to experience an inkling of this LOVE in my waking hours I instinctively knew I had to start the journey within.
Five years, from the date of that life-altering dream, I intentionally started that journey. I opened up about my childhood abuse by talking with a close college friend who had also experienced abuse of her own as a child. Shortly afterwards, I sought out counseling to expose the “skeletons in my closet” that had kept me a prisoner in my life.
More than 15 years later the adventure within continues. I’m learning that choosing the LOVE within is an everyday practice. My hope is that we create a new conversation for little black girls to be born into – one that affirms their voice, existence and is based on cultivating LOVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT! From one “Colored Girl” to another, the rainbow is enough and so are we!
I love this entry and I hope that other black women free themselves from theirpast and the secrets that hold them down.
I relate on many fronts. But I am not black and I am not a woman. I was “taken advantage of sexually” at a young age. However, I feel that my desire to “leave the planet” at 13 was related to something bigger than the way I had been abused. I was aware at a very young age that the world I lived in wasn’t as benevolent as my mother tried to make me believe. It would take the better part of my adult life to understand that the universe is a benevolent place–should we choose to create our world in the divine image of this omniscient consciousness which is our birthright.
Throughout the years I have “back-tracked” and lost faith in the benevolence of the universe; but each time I do-some light seems to pull me back into focus. I am most appreciative when people make the effort to speak from their hearts. Our species is starving for authentic communication. It is imperative that each of us become accountable for our own well being and understand that our personal well being is inextricably linked to the well being of all human beings and our mother Earth.
As I look back and remember all the times I felt alienated and displaced as a child I realize that the reason I considered suicide was because I felt our species was no place for me. As I look around at a corrupted value code that dishonors the sanctity of human life, and instead reveres the pursuit of the dollar as a life achievement, I am again reminded of that original sense of alienation and displacement. What I have learned is what Gandhi and others such as Martin Luther King taught: Be the change you wish to see in the world.
This is what gets me out of bed in the morning. This is the source of light that I see when the tunnel appears to be dark.
Thank you for your insightful and heartfelt commentary and insights.
~Peace
Humbled yet inspired by your open and honest post. Much Love – Jamila.
this is beautiful, and so true.
thank you for being brave enough to say it and share it with us all.